By Stephen Smoot
Imperator Caesar Marcus Aurelius, among the greatest of Roman philosophers and also among the greatest of leaders anywhere in human history, kept a journal of his thoughts that eventually came through human history as The Meditations.
His first few paragraphs referred to the debt that he owed to those who came before in terms of the benefit of what he learned from them.
“From my grandfather Verus, the lessons of noble character and even temper.”
“From my father’s reputation and my memory of him, modesty and manliness.”
“From my father (by adoption) (powerful men in Roman times would adopt young men to mentor and guide into positions of importance) gentleness and unshaken resolution in judgments taken after full examination; no vainglory about external honors, love of work and perseverance,” and hundreds more of words describing the wisdom and virtue imparted to him from both direct teaching and observation of those traits.
Later in The Meditations, he states “These things I learned from my father: strength, steadfastness, and moderation on all occasions, a spirit perfectly balanced and indomitable, like the one he showed during the illness which took him away.”
Now fast forward almost 2,000 years into human history. Where has this teaching gone? Where are the good examples set for both young men and young women of discipline, honor, and virtue?
Why do hundreds of young men and women draw together in the Year of Our Lord 2026 to mindlessly demolish the hard work of others, whether it be businesses, government, or personal property? Why do they bring themselves even lower than animals to engage in mass brawls with seemingly no provocation?
What has been lost in the past three decades that was present before, even in an imperfect sense?
Why has so much of society seemed to either rebel against, or abandon altogether, age-old concepts of duty, honor, virtue, loyalty, and decency that build both children and also societies?
Fatherhood in too many children and adult lives has “left the building.”
Paterfamilias meant something different to the Romans traditionally. Originally, it referred to a man’s sovereignty over his household, even to the point of life and death. This ancient ideal of fatherhood and family leadership emerged from the ancient times of Rome at the mercy of neighboring kingdoms and tribes, when social cohesion at every level was required for survival.
The main job of the father in raising children lay in instilling the most important of values while shaping the child to be of most use to the family. He had almost unlimited social discretion in imposing his ideals, but that slowly changed over time.
By the time of the philosopher and poet Seneca the Younger, who lived about a century prior to Marcus Aurelius, a different ideal started to take hold. His tract De Beneficiis, set in the Platonic model of a dialogue between those who disagree on a topic, in general dwells on the nature of benefits that transpire or are transacted between different people. In chapter three, he discusses at length the ideas of benefits that flow between fathers and children.
He asked the question of whether “children can ever bestow upon their parents greater benefits than those which they have received from them.” First, he articulated the philosophy behind the ancient idea of complete paternal sovereignty, which has been repeated by parents through the centuries, fundamentally, as “I gave you life.”
Under that ideal, “Therefore the father can ever be surpassed in the bestowal of benefits, because the benefit which surpasses his own is really his.” Seneca discusses this using the metaphor of a river and argues that, using West Virginia geography as a guide, the springs feeding the headwaters of the various forks of the South Branch of the Potomac River are the foundation of the mighty stream that flows past Washington DC and that one cannot acknowledge the latter without honor to the former.
He then turns the concept on its head and cites occasions in Roman history and mythology where sons have saved the life of the father. Seneca cited “Scipio, while under seventeen years of age, rode among the enemy in battle, and saved his father’s life.” From where do benefits and gratitude for them flow then?
But Seneca argues that giving birth alone does not make a man a father. He wrote, “Consider what the fact of my birth is in itself; you will see that it is a small matter, the outcome of which is dubious, and that it may lead equally to good or to evil; no doubt it is the first step to everything, but because it is the first, it is not on that account more important than all the others.”
Additionally, a fatherly role can be a benefit even outside of a biological relationship. Stepfathers are valuable when they can step in and either add to the richness of a child’s paternal resources, or assume the father’s role when their biological parent is not available. Many families and their sets of close friends gravitate toward a male figure of respect, whose experience and wisdom is valued and whose opinions are sought for their proven worth. Other men serve as mentors, often as teachers or athletic coaches, teaching time-honored virtues within the act of educating or developing skills. While not fathers, these men still occupy an important place in the lives that they affect, usually far in excess of what the father-figure even grasps.
These men all need to understand that the child learns as many, if not more lessons, from quietly watching and absorbing from their example as opposed to direct instruction of life lessons.
In other words, a biological act alone does not permit a man the honor of being called “father.” It must involve something more. “A father gives life to his son;” writes Seneca, who adds that “there is something better than life; therefore a father may be outdone, because there is something better than the benefit which he has bestowed.” Additionally, others may “give life” to another, especially a physician.
To Seneca the most important role of the father lay in the instilling of self-discipline and honor through developing a virtuous soul. Mothers have different roles in developing the emotional well-being in balance to the father’s teachings. Marcus Aurelius received “from my mother: piety and bountifulness, to keep myself not only from doing evil, but from dwelling on evil thought, simplicity too in diet and to be far removed from the ways of the rich.”
Bountifulness refers to having a generous spirit in all manners of the term, but discipline restrains that trait to its proper proportion. As Cicero said, never be hesitant to share from your fire, but only as long as the giving does not dim your own.
Seneca related multiple instances from Greek and Roman history and mythology of sons’ virtue leading to loyalty, even when said sons had strong conflicts with their fathers. In these examples, the sons achieved historic victories and accomplishments, then turned and honored their fathers or even handed over the benefits of those. Others rose to their father’s side in defense against the accusations of the powerful or even killed on their behalf.
Furthermore, it is right for children as they learn self-discipline and other virtues from their father to start to apply them in times of conflict with their parents and that a father should take pride, not shame, in situations where their children prevail. Furthermore, a father may take pride, in, without taking all the credit, when their children rise to greater heights than they could have achieved, or even imagined.
But that all starts with a father doing his duty in raising his children with those values of honor, discipline, virtue, and correct learning.
A father must sacrifice to fulfill this role. He cannot simply be a friend to his children, because a friend cannot adequately teach the necessary bounds of behavior and also punish violations of those limits.
Fatherhood means that a man must create the distance of authority, but balance it with the engagement of teaching based on love of ones child and concern for preparing them as best as possible to live and work in a world that embraces no individual’s personal whims and wants.
Said Seneca “By no force of words, by no power of genius, can one rightly express how desirable, how admirable, how never to be erased from human memory it is to be able to say, ‘I obeyed my parents, I gave way to them, I was submissive to their authority whether it was just, or unjust and harsh; the only point in which I resisted them was, not to be conquered by them in benefits.’”
In parenting, “Happy are they who conquer, happy they who are conquered. What can be more glorious than the youth who can say to himself—it would not be right to say it to another—’I have conquered my father with benefits’? What is more fortunate than that old man who declares everywhere to everyone that he has been conquered in benefits by his son?”
“What, again, is more blissful than to be overcome in such a contest?”
